Troubling Church Issues by Louis Wagner

Leaving the church

This is primarily a compilation of brainstorming thoughts on why I don’t believe the Mormon church to be true or right, etc. Much of this was determined AFTER I left the church in mind and body. It also includes my story of why I left the church. It is not a dramatic story by any stretch of the imagination. But the story is something I feel is important to the conclusions I reached after leaving the church.

My reason for leaving the church was very simple: I never received an answer to my many hundreds of hours of praying and fasting, asking and begging for a witness of the Spirit that the church was true, that the Book of Mormon was true and that my life was on the course that was pleasing to God. I felt I had every reason to expect such an answer given the promises in the scriptures and in the church that I would get such a witness from God.

Lest anyone doubt, I was willing, even anxious to please God. I knew I would serve him diligently and capably, and in fact, had already done so for the majority of my life. In any event, here are the catalysts that finally led me to believe that I had been wasting my breath, even in the asking.

Seeking the promised answer

I was born and raised in the church and I had gone through all of the rituals. Baptism – I remember I didn’t feel any different afterwards than before I went in, other than being wet! When I was given the so-called “Gift of the Holy Ghost,” I felt nothing. Needless to say, I was highly disappointed. Yet, I was fearful that if I said so, I would be reviled or punished at worst and ridiculed at best. Yes, I was raised in the kind of environment where I could readily expect such things.

I got all of the usual priesthood advancements right on schedule and a patriarchal blessing in there sometime around my 14th birthday. Deacon, Teacher, Priest, Elder. Wow, the Melchizedek Priesthood! Assorted “callings” were given to me here and there along the way. I never felt any different after any of those bestowals of power than I had before I walked into the offices of the bishops, etc. who “gave” them to me. As a result, I was on the verge of not going on a mission at all but I felt guilty about the idea that people in my family would ridicule me and give me hell for not going. In retrospect, that may not have been true but even now, I wonder!!! I also had the faint flicker of a hope that if I actually went on a mission, I would gain a testimony there.

Later, I got married, outside the temple because I had been disfellowshipped at the time for some indiscretions. But I was repentant and devoted and anxious to do the right things. A year later, my wife and I were sealed in the Mesa, AZ temple.

I should mention that through all of this, the heavens had been silent in regard to any of the prayers I had prayed asking for the confirmation of the truth of the church.

About 8 years into our marriage, we were talking one evening about the church and religion in general. I mentioned to my wife that I had never had an answer to my prayers asking if the church, etc. were right. I was interested in why she believed in the church. (As a footnote, she had converted to the church with her family when she was 13.)

She said her father had read the Book of Mormon once through and believed it immediately and thence joined the church. I imagine the rest of her family just followed along, however, I should clarify this with her. However, the catalyst for her to really “believe” was that a couple of years later, she was lying on a table in the hospital undergoing an angiogram. In 1987, that procedure was difficult and painful and in her case, the veins to which the doctors needed access were collapsing and not cooperating at all. After several hours of painful attempts, the doctors said they were going to try one more time.

At that point, my lovely wife, a young girl at the time, in intense pain and great suffering, prayed to God and demanded that He help her and her doctors with this process so that it and her suffering could end. She reminded Him of the fact that she had been faithful in the church and done the things the church taught and that she deserved the help she needed. Miraculously, her veins opened up a moment later and the procedure was completed without further difficulty and only the normal issues generally associated with that particular procedure.

She told me this story that evening. Well, I thought, up to that point in my life, I had lived faithfully too and aside from a few minor slip ups for which I had repented completely and whole-heartedly, I felt that I also deserved to get such a confirmation from the Spirit. I was encouraged by her story and pondered her words through the night. It was rather sleepless but I survived! My faith grew until the morning came.

The next morning, a Saturday, I got up and started restlessly browsing my bookshelf. I had nothing scheduled and my wife had gone horseback riding so I thought I wanted to read. I came across a book my mother had given to me a couple of years previously called Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson. Being still in the enthusiasm of and the spirit of the previous evening’s conversation with my wife, I took it down and read it. I had read it a couple of years before when I first received it and at that time had dedicated my life even more fully to the church and to Jesus. My underlying problem and therefore motivation for reading it was the same both times: Why had I not received the unmistakable testimony of the truthfulness of the church as had been promised in the Bible, the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine & Covenants, not to mention countless church meetings, classes, conferences, family home evenings, etc.?

I read the book in about an hour or two and closed it as I fell to my knees there in my living room pouring my heart out to God, pleading with Him for a testimony of the truthfulness of the church. I knew that I would maintain a full commitment to the church upon getting the answer I sought but I also knew I would revoke that commitment to the church without knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that following it was the right thing to do. I needed and desired a witness from the Holy Spirit so I could found my life on an unshakable testimony of Christ and His Gospel.

The hours passed without any awareness on my part that they had done so. When I finally arose, it was with the realization that I was wasting my time and that I had been wasting my time for the previous 30+ years of my life. Despite my prayers and fasting and pleadings with God and despite my faith that I would surely get an answer, I knew it was not coming. Insofar as I could tell, there was nobody there to give it.

In a few brief moments upon arising, I was at first very saddened, then very angry, then excessively depressed, then suddenly very relieved that I no longer had this burden of religion upon me. My guilt and fear were swept completely away and it was like a fresh breeze had blown through me. I was elated! All of this occurred within a couple of breaths as I went through the fastest emotional roller-coaster ride of my life!

I immediately went upstairs, took off my garments and dropped every pair I owned into the trash. I had a couple of pairs of briefs which I had always used for sporting events, etc. and that was the first time I felt a little, “strange” about wearing them and not my garments. I recalled that I felt the same when I first put on garments while trying them on at the Beehive store in SLC when I bought my first ones.

Then, I finally had a new fear come over me: what was I going to tell my wife? Well, I was sure that she would dump me and go on with her life as a faithful Mormon woman. She had lived faithfully with me throughout our marriage, attending church, etc. etc. and I was fearful that she would not want anything to do with me now that I had dumped our religion from my life. I believed wholeheartedly that it was the right thing to do because I refused to live a lie so I carefully reviewed in my mind what I was going to say to her and how to say it.

Here it was, that same night, we were again lying in bed talking and I brought it up. I told her my experience, in even greater detail than I described above because I told her details of the things I had prayed about and other feelings I had during and after that prayer. To my extreme surprise and utter joy, she turned to me and said, “I love you because of who YOU are, not because you are a member of the church.” Our conversation went on from there wherein she told me she had no problems staying with me as a non-member and would love and cherish me forever, regardless of my feelings for the church. She said she would, however, remain true to the church.

By saying so, she released me from other burdens I was carrying. I suddenly understood that I had never really felt loved, by my parents, my family, my church, anyone. Even my wife, up until that time. I had never truly understood what it was to unconditionally love another person and I had no idea what it felt like to BE loved in such a way. Previously, I had subconsciously believed that you had to earn someone’s love and that it could never be given unconditionally.

That night was the first time I actually believed the words with my heart and soul. I am and will be forever grateful to my wife for showing me the true meaning of true love. It was something the church had always promised to me and that I did not find until I abandoned belief in religion. This was one of the very first things of many things which I discovered outside the church that had always been promised to me IN the church.

I have discovered a great many other disturbing facts about the church since I left it, however, most of the technical things I’ve learned are readily available from other sources. What I will focus on below are my own quasi-philosophical thoughts and observations about the church and my own life as a Mormon as compared to life outside of and free of the church.

Honestly!

I could finally live my life honestly. One of the first things I realized upon leaving the church was that I had never really believed it in the first place. Oh, sure, I had gotten up in sacrament meeting over and over and told people that I “knew” the church was true and had testified of it over and over on my mission and in classrooms, etc. etc. I did it because I was supposed to! To say that I really believed was never true but I remember that I hoped I would someday gain a testimony for myself. I had this instinctive fear from childhood that if I discussed my questionings, I would be severely punished by my father or at the very least, roundly criticized for thinking as such. So, I had buried, very deeply, my true feelings of the church from an early age. So deeply, in fact, that I didn’t even realize I had done so. (References to Pop-Psychology 101!) What is sobering and painful at the same time is that I realized, upon leaving the church that I had been seeking the truth while living a lie of alleged, “belief” or even “knowledge.”

What I’m referring to are the stories. The Bible and the Book of Mormon and the early church history stories. The faith-promoting stories about Jesus and the prophets and apostles and the miracles they performed. I had always, in the back of my mind, questioned the veracity of such stories as the great flood, the thousands upon thousands of deaths in the wars of the Nephites vs. the Lamanites, the healings of Jesus and the apostles, etc. etc. None of them had verifiable support but I rarely went looking for such support either. I had always been told that such things were also happening these days but only in the Mormon church. Healings such as those of the televangelists were explained away as being accomplished by the power of Satan and that I should avoid such things. By the way, I should also avoid such things as anti-Mormon literature because they would destroy my faith and I would go to hell as a result. Little did I know!

Well, I successfully avoided anti-Mormon literature and, as a result, I can truly say I was never “unfairly” swayed from my beliefs because I know I left the church of my own accord. Again, I could now live my life honestly and truthfully, stating my belief that there is no God that hears prayers and loves us humans on earth.

Living Life

Now that I no longer believe in the church, there are many teachings I don’t believe in either. One is a belief in an afterlife. I believe that when we die, that’s it. We then spend the rest of forever rotting in a grave. What that means is that there is limited time to live a life that is enjoyable and rewarding. I see and have seen many people live an unrewarding life at best or a truly miserable one at worst in the belief that they will have their reward for being faithful in a spiritual life hereafter.

That life in the hereafter is to be bereft of disease, pain, discomfort, agony, poverty, etc. etc. ad infinitum. Additionally, in the Mormon church there are attestations of how wonderful life will be for the men who will be given many, many wives all to themselves. Women will no longer have the pain of childbirth but that childbirth will be a thing of ease and will be trouble-free.

Karl Marx had it right when he said, “Religion is the opiate of the masses.” What better way to keep a people from discontent if they believe their current miseries are short-lived, that their oppressors will be severely and permanently and painfully punished in a fiery hell? In general, people have a genuine hope that such is true and they live patiently with their fear and misery and don’t question authority. These are they who believe that an all-powerful, all-wise god will sort everything out in the end and give them an eternal reward for their faithfulness.

Fear and Guilt

As I mentioned above, my fear and guilt were swept away. When I got on my knees to pray, I had whispers of the story of Enos in the Book of Mormon in the back of my mind and I was confident that my fear and guilt would be swept away, much as his was. Little did I know that it was going to be because I would no longer have a reason to feel guilty any longer. I would no longer have a reason to fear an unseen being who would punish me for my arrogance in asking for such things. I would no longer have to worry superstitiously if the problems of my life were the result of some misdeed. I was getting so bad with it that I even believed, from time to time that I was the cause of the miseries and sad circumstances of the lives of other people in my family! How psychotic is that?!! Even arrogant?!!!! Had I gone on in this vein too much longer, I have little doubt that I would have started to fear that my own problems were the result of others’ misdeeds? Now I’m just very glad I no longer have this as an issue with which to contend.

Throughout my life, especially my early childhood and teen years, I was taught that if I didn’t get an answer from God it must be because I was doing something wrong. In other words, the problem was with me! That, I believe, was the ultimate brainwash to keep me in the church, dutiful and desperately seeking to become good enough to get the answers everyone else seemed to be getting on a regular basis along with the morning paper. At the same time, I couldn’t even have a natural human thought in mind without feeling guilty about it so I was constantly fearful that I was going to be punished in some way for thinking things God didn’t like.

Anyway, nobody had to intimidate me much more than that; I pretty much took what I was taught and became fearful that I was always subject to punishment for some thought I was having, and I didn’t dare do anything for which I could be caught and punished. Ours was a strict and forcefully disciplinary home (read that, “abusive”) and we simply didn’t dare face the possible retributions.

Superstition was a part of my life as I worried constantly that the reason I was sick or didn’t get good grades or fell off my bike or didn’t have money was because I was a sinner and that God was punishing me for some offense I had forgotten about or for some thought for which I had not yet repented. By the same token, I credited God with all of the good things that happened to me regardless of the effort I had put into reaching the good end I had sought. But I never felt I was good enough for God to give me an answer to my prayers.

Brainwashing

Personally, I believe that many, if not most, of the people in the Mormon church are good people and are well-intentioned, believing they are doing the right things in their lives. The brainwashing that occurs in the church is so subtle that those who perpetrate it are generally not even aware that this is what they are doing. I ran across a C.S. Lewis quote once which states,

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."
Even more insidious than the moral busybodies are the true believers. They genuinely believe they are doing a good thing and, with no malice aforethought, they push their beliefs on others. In doing so, they perpetuate dogma and brainwashing that can be very difficult to overcome in a person’s later years. When begun at a young age, it fills a child’s mind with the fears that will keep the person in line for the years to come.

I remember, as I alluded to above, a genuine fear of the “anti’s” as they were called. Sandra and Jerald Tanner, etc. etc. who claimed to know of the realities of the church and the things that were hidden by the church. We were always told as missionaries that everything they said was quoted out of context and that you couldn’t believe what they were saying. That if you really wanted to know about the church, the best place to go was the church itself. Some anti-mormon writers, we were able to show, actually did quote out of context and if they didn’t outright lie, they mis-stated things. This was convincing enough for me and I avoided the very thing I really needed for many years: Factual information.

Again, very superstitiously and with all the brainwashing of my youth and childhood, I avoided the anti-Mormons and their “evil” propaganda with a great deal of diligence. It never occurred to me that there would never be any harm in reading anything opposed to the church because if it were true, it would simply stand the test. Even though I had been told many times that the Book of Mormon was the cornerstone of the church and that it and the church with it would never fail, it never occurred to me to put it to the test. Brainwashing at its best, I suppose!

Here is the big question that should be asked of the church: If you know you have the truths of God and you have the power you say you do, then why are you afraid of a little heckling from the audience? You should be answering these detractors with power and authority, founded in truth and never wavering once in your answers. Nowadays, however, the church sends out people who say things like, “I don’t know a lot about it.” Waffling about the power of the truth gets you nowhere.

Robbed of an ability to think for oneself

One of the more tragic things that happened to me was that I was robbed of my ability to think for myself. I have little or no critical thinking ability. That is not to say that I am stupid. I have a great deal of talent remembering things I have committed to memory and have the grades to prove it!

My difficulties come when I try to paste varying thoughts and ideas together into a cohesive conclusion. I also have major problems with verbal confrontations and when a tense situation arises, my brain actually switches off and I’m unable to think quickly enough to respond to verbal peppering I may receive at the tongue of an irate customer or a boss, etc. I find it endlessly frustrating that I can walk away from such a confrontation and think of a thousand different things I should have said but regrettably, it is now too late to bring them up with any degree of effectiveness.

Fortunately, a lot of the work I do involves writing and it is a lot easier to think about what is being said with the opportunity to review it and make sure it addresses all of the pertinent issues. Still, I have difficulty putting disparate facts together into a cohesive conclusion and writing only solves about half or less of that problem!

The church was, I believe, the cause of these problems with thinking ability. I was always taught that questioning the prophet was tantamount to the evils of apostasy and rebellion. There was also, allegedly, a ripple effect down the chain of command to the stake president, the bishop and my father and mother. I simply learned not to question any of what I was told or taught. I was encouraged to be a robot, not human, to do as commanded, not think about why I was being commanded as such.

Robbed of People Skills

Also, as a result of the influence of the church, I also have serious problems with people skills. I have learned since leaving the church how to understand people better and how they react to things in their environment and to various things that I do. But I have little doubt that I treated people disrespectfully and must have tread on many toes during the first 30+ years of my life. Now, I’ve taken a number of courses and read a number of books in order to overcome that and, while I’m getting better at it, I have a great many years of habit to overcome and it’s going to be a lifetime project.

Some psychiatrists believe we are born with the traits and habits we exhibit later in life and others believe our environment shapes what we will be. I sit square in the very center of that debate and believe a lot of both. People skills, however, CAN be taught or the skill to deal with people with respect and dignity can be denied to people simply by the way they are raised and the things they are taught.

As a child, I remember my father taking the television out of the living room and walking it out to the dumpster because he heard a swear word or saw something sexually suggestive. This was at the end of the 60’s, mind you, so it couldn’t have been even remotely similar to what we see on TV now! However, not having television until I left home at 17 denied me the ability to see some of what other people are like. Combined with the over-protective nature of my parents and the inherent fear they placed in us of how bad the “heathens” around us were, we didn’t socialize much.

Today, I still battle the problems that came from that upbringing. My mission, believe it or not, did resolve much of that and I returned with a healthier perspective of people. It was no cure, however, and many years later, I had a confrontation with an understanding boss who recognized the problem and took steps to put me on the path to solving it.

Personal responsibility, forgiveness and lack of respect

There is a teaching in Christian churches and especially the Mormons that we are to forgive others of their trespasses against us. I was even taught that if someone asks you to forgive them and you refuse, the sin then becomes yours. So now, not only did I have to watch out for my own sins, I had to be careful that I didn’t allow someone else to sin against me lest they try to ask my forgiveness for it and I have to give it grudgingly. I have to add, that giving it grudgingly was the same as not giving it at all!

On the flip side, I could unthinkingly say or do what I wanted, and if I asked for a person’s forgiveness, they could give it, which released me from obligation or they could deny forgiveness in which case it became their problem and I was still absolved, just because I asked. I must have thought I couldn’t lose because I subconsciously learned that I could say whatever I wanted and then patch things up later.

The idea that you never have a second chance to make a first impression never occurred to me and more importantly, it never occurred to me that when you hurt someone with your words, it is nearly impossible to fix it.

The truth is, we ARE responsible for what we say and even if someone does forgive you, you still bear the burden of having been stupid and of saying something inappropriate or offensive without considering how it was going to be received.

Another thing Mormons tend toward is the belief that they will be forgiven of what they do and as a result, they will attain a higher kingdom in heaven. They tend to go around without a genuine care for others and feel they can’t be bothered with being careful about how they approach others. From their perspective, it is rather regrettable because they have great difficulties in gaining consensus from non-believers simply because they are truly offensive! I think even Jesus said in his instructions to his disciples, later to become the apostles, to be, “as wise as serpents,” when they went out to teach the gospel. Trouble is, the modern Christian believes that if they offend someone, it is because they, the wicked are offended by the “truth of the gospel.”

Rubbish. It is their abrasive approach and obvious lack of care for the individual person that people find offensive!

Seeking for the Kingdom

Many believe that if they bring a soul to god, they save their own soul. It is based on a verse in the Bible in James 5:19-20 (also I Peter 4:8). Many, and I would be so bold as to believe that most, Mormons are so wrapped up in the idea of living their lives in heaven after they die that they couldn’t care less for the people they are living with here on earth, or even their own lives on earth. (Marx wins again.) They treat people generally discourteously and disrespectfully and as a whole and have little or no interest in people around them or in their own earthly happiness. I highly doubt that a loving god would subject us to a miserable life here as a requirement for eternal bliss later.

Except for that scripture noted above. They turn to missionary work and Home Teaching in order to assure themselves of a place in heaven, while all they time, they are merely working for brownie points with God. It is apparent in the behavior of many. There are a few who genuinely believe they are doing a good thing. In their own genuine love for their fellow man, they do the work of saving others and do so with pure intent. But they are, unfortunately, the exception, not the rule.

Reduced Emotional sensitivity

I also learned from my parents to suppress my emotions. I was mocked for being a “cry-baby” or roundly punished for showing anger. The fires of passion were squashed from me and it became impossible to build a desire to do anything of merit. Creativity was shot down and no idea was good enough or worth the effort of follow-through. As a result, I have a bad habit of living life with a deadpan expression all the time. People very frequently ask me, “What’s wrong.” It is only that I’m not bubbling over with excitement and not flaming out in anger or overwhelmingly sad. I mention it in order to show the effect of that on a child throughout his life.

Emotion confused with the spirit

Well, I have to say that there are many occasions wherein I was in a church meeting or the temple and my emotions welled up inside me and I felt a, “swelling in the bosom,” as it were. There were times when I wondered if that was the spirit talking to me but because it left doubt about its source and, more importantly, because it felt very similar to other experiences which I had had in non-church venues, it was easily credited as pure emotion, having nothing to do with any spirit of god.

I often hear of others who have had manifestations of the spirit, or so they claim. While I was a member of the church, I used to always be quite concerned that I had something wrong with me because I couldn’t also have a manifestation of the spirit. More than once, people would actually tell me that if I hadn’t had the spirit in my heart, then I was doing something wrong or wasn’t living righteously enough or didn’t have enough faith or some such thing. The one thing they all had in common was the idea that *I* was the one flawed and that if flawed, god’s spirit could not work in me to give me the answers I sought.

Fortunately, however, it started to dawn on me that that was not what the scriptures promised at all. In fact, they say exactly the opposite. In other words, god will testify to his beloved children, ESPECIALLY the sinners. It was at that point, that I realized that if god wasn’t answering me, then he probably wasn’t there.

And as for others who claim to feel the spirit of god, I believe wholeheartedly that they are confusing their emotions with the belief that god will answer them. This problem can be highly aggravated if a child is very sheltered and the ONLY emotional experiences they have are in the church surroundings.

Not everyone is the same, nor should they be treated the same

As I alluded to above, one noticeable trait of the church, at least from the perspective of the outsider, is that church members don’t treat people very well. Members of the church have a bad habit of treating everyone “the same.” To them, this means everyone has been treated “equally.” Unfortunately, real life doesn’t work that way and upon leaving the church, I quickly discovered that not everyone is the same nor should they be treated the same. To do so is very prejudicial because it assumes, incorrectly, that how you treat one person will be suitable for all other people as well. It pigeon-holes all people into a single category and then makes no effort to acknowledge that different people are different.

Some people have accused Mormons of being very stand offish. They are very likely right but two things are possibly a factor: 1) a holier-than-thou attitude about Mormon superiority to all other religions and 2) a lack of knowledge of interpersonal skills.

Such a lack of knowledge of how to deal with others is a trait born of a sheltered life, stuck in church meetings many hours per day from early childhood to the teen years, even into the mission. If the parents are truly dyed in the wool, true blue through and through Mormon, kids may not even have access to television or movies which, though not wholly adequate for teaching extensive people skills, could at least give a glimpse of how people behave in real life and how they can be treated.

I’m going to use the word, “discriminating,” in a way that would surprise most Mormons and quite a few people in general. I believe it is critical to be discriminating in your dealings with other people. This means that you simply make an effort to know how people will best react when you interface with them. It takes thought, skill and work to be able to do this effectively but it is a skill that can be learned with training. Mormons have a tendency to really suck at this and because they don’t do well at it, they come off offensive and belittling to others. (Many or even most die-hard born again Christians behave similarly.) It is perceived as being lazy, uncaring and boorish to the outside world and even within the ranks of the church, you find people taking offense because they were treated as less than human by someone in the church.

There is an Indian saying, “Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins.” I’ve heard people give lip service to that saying for as long as I can remember but I’ve never understood what it really meant down in its heart until after I left the church. Knowing a person’s background, his wants, his desires and tendencies all play a factor in this critical component of people’s relationships with others in their lives.

The bible says, “Judge not that ye be not judged.” The Mormons claim that Joseph Smith retranslated it to read, “Judge not unrighteously . . . “ almost as if to say that if you’re a righteous person, you CAN judge another person. But that leaves out the rest of us. I say, nay, you have a responsibility and a duty to judge a person, in a discriminating fashion before ever a word escapes your lips to that person. One of the very few good things Christianity has ever stated is the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you’d have them to unto you. It is a very quaint, very succinct statement that DEMANDS that when you’re dealing with other people, you anticipate their needs and their wants and desires and most importantly, their background. By seeing those characteristics and looking into their hearts, you can avoid saying and doing things which are so highly offensive to the other person. Will you be perfect? Hardly, and some are better at it than others. But by making a study of it, you can make the world a better place by how you deal with people.

Holier-than-thou

I can’t remember how many times I was looked down upon by members of the church for any number of reasons, justified or not. Indeed, I’ve done more than my share of looking down on others when I was a church member. The church gives a great deal of lip service to reaching out to the sinner and helping him. But let a guy walk into a chapel smelling of cigarette smoke or alcohol or behaving erratically or eccentrically, and the people in the church scatter like pigeons. First of all, they don’t really know what to do or how to deal with the individual. They behave as if they are embarrassed that the guy has even come into the building.

I’ve even witnessed first hand a person ostracized just because he couldn’t afford to buy a nice shirt and tie. He wore plain old t-shirts and was a priesthood holder but was never asked to pass the sacrament, or give the prayer or a talk in sacrament meeting or Sunday School. How very sad to see this person, going to church loyally and faithfully and being ostracized within the so-called house of god.

I believe people are in a comfort zone in the church. After seeing the above situation several times, I myself stopped wearing a tie and white shirt to church. Sure enough, I was immediately told I would not be performing any duties in the church on Sunday, etc. etc. and it wasn’t long before people started to steer clear of me in church. I was the same on the inside but because I looked different, I had to BE different. The unfortunate thing is this was the general rule! There were exceptions among people who continued to be sociable and friendly but the leadership of the church wanted as little as possible to do with me because they called me rebellious.

There is another scripture in the Bible that says, “Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft,” so I suppose they figured I was worshipping Satan or something if I didn’t wear a white shirt and tie to church. Did I have a problem with wearing a tie to church? Absolutely not! What I had a problem with was the attitude of the people and how they treated me if they perceived that I was different in some way. This was not just an isolated thing, by the way. It happened wherever I went to an LDS church service.

I was apparent that the members of the church were more interested in their own kingdoms in the next life than they were interested in helping anyone else get there! It was also apparent in their attitudes about how they did their home teaching. It was always a push to be able to turn in 100% or close to it. There were rarely times when people were out there because they gave a damn about the people they were working with. Granted, there were exceptions to that rule but overall, you could count on people feeling like a statistic rather than a human being.

Suicidal tendencies

Once before my mission and four times as a missionary I attempted suicide. What is really bizarre is that my life became truly worthless. I was being abused though not nearly so badly as many others of whom I’ve heard. Still, I had no feeling of self-worth and frankly, I didn’t think I could face another session with my father or mother telling me how much of a screw-up I was. Not to mention, I had no reason to believe god felt any different about me. Of course, I was taught that life outside the church was even MORE horrendous so I completely lost hope.

Ironically, it was while I was on my mission that my mission president sent me to an LDS psychiatrist. Dr. Christensen, may I never forget his name. He was sent from Salt Lake City to my mission area in Southern California once a month and for three months (3 visits only) I chatted with him. He correctly diagnosed my problem and prescribed Merital to me (brand name for nomifensene maleate) which turned out to be really all I needed. It kicked me out of the long-term depression I had sunk into. (Unfortunately, Merital has since been removed from the market and I was one of the last to actually have it prescribed.)

I know there are a lot of bad shrinks out there though I have little experience with them. But he was one of the few great ones out there!

My reason for including this comment in my story is to point out that there are plenty of times when people feel worthless and determine that their life no longer gives them any sense of value. It does happen and it can happen to anyone. I believe that, in my own life, it was a result of the church’s teachings that you can never be good enough for anything.

Before my mission, I felt I could never get an answer to prayer from god because I was not good enough. My parents constantly focused on my faults and rarely, if ever, complimented me for doing any good thing. Hence the reason for the first suicide attempt.

During my mission, the whole mental complex was aggravated by the idea that we were not successful on any given day because of our own lack of faith. I even felt that MY lack of diligence was the reason for failures in the missionary companionship and that my companion was being made to suffer because of MY lack of faith and lack of desire. Remember, I still had not received a witness of the spirit and I continued to believe that it was because I was not worthy. As a result, I even felt that I was out there on a sham. I felt guilty every time I bore a testimony to another person.

But I could never bear the shame of leaving my mission early. Hence the other three attempts at suicide.

I feel a great deal of sorrow for any person who does commit suicide because I feel, always, the utter lack of self-worth that they must have felt and the complete emptiness which goes with that mindset. It is a great sorrow.

Hope for Life

It wasn’t until I left the church that I became hopeful of living an interesting, rewarding, and valuable life. I learned I could really be honest. I learned there really is value in helping others with the things they need. I learned to truly love others and to truly accept the love others offer me. I learned how to tell when others were being sincere or if their efforts were founded in some ulterior motive or manipulation.

In essence, I learned that Joy and Happiness CAN be found outside the church. For me, in fact, I never was able to have it within the church but had to leave it to find it. I had to leave the church to have a positively oriented life. I left the church and soon learned to have respect for others and their values. I actually learned the difference between having core values as opposed to having commandments thrust upon me with the threat of dire punishments.

My marriage is better, 100% improved and constantly improving all the time. My work is more enjoyable. I have a greater hunger for learning new things. I feel a sense of power and self-worth I never felt before. I feel a zest for life and an energy for good things which I never felt before. I believe in my abilities and I believe in the abilities of other people.

There are those, however, who attribute these good things to the idea that satan is no longer interested in harassing us because he already has us in his clutches. The problem with that irrational belief is very simple: All of these good things that happened in my life AFTER I left the church were exactly the things which were promised to me BY the church. Think about it: if I’m not following satan any longer and god is ignoring me because I left his church, then why am I being blessed with the things god promised me I would have within the church? Why am I not being tortured with a destitute life as the church promised I would be?

In short, these accusers need to decide which it’s going to be. In fact, the church quite often will and has threatened that your life will go to the dogs if you ever leave it and yet, upon doing so, I find from personal experience with it that such is not the case.

The proof against the church doesn’t even have to come from the outside or from anti-mormons. It exists in the failures of its own institution, the failures to fulfill the promises made from the pulpit and from the pages if its own scripture. In short, the church truly fails in real life.

Aftermath

I lost touch with my father and mother for a couple of years in there. I should say I refused contact with them during that time. They retained the negativity they have always had in life and I realized I could not have that influence in my life any longer. Nor would I ever be able to change them from what they are. Since then, my father has passed away and I feel that I never really had a good relationship with him at any time during my life. His passing engendered absolutely no grief in me. I was not necessarily overjoyed by his death but I didn’t feel any emotion about it either. It is truly regrettable, however, to this day I don’t lose any sleep over it.

I am happy to say that shortly after I left the church, my lovely wife did also. She became even more beautiful than before and to this day, grows more and more beautiful every day, inside and out! We both feel similarly about the church, however, if I’m not mistaken, she does retain a belief in god, just not in religion. We don’t really talk much about religion except to laugh uproariously about the stupidity of some of the things that people in religions do.

My family generally treats me like they are walking on eggshells. That is fine with me because I don’t have an overwhelming desire to have religious discussions with them. A couple of my siblings can talk about it without being preachy or holier-than-thou. Usually, most of them and their spouses turn their noses up at me and my wife when we come into a room but we don’t worry about it. Part of the reason we are glad of our geographic separation from our families is that we have had the space we need to learn how to not care what others are thinking about us.

We have no guilt any longer. We do fear some things such as, “What if one of the siblings decides that we can no longer have any contact with our beloved nieces and nephews?” That would surely break our hearts. But now, instead of letting that fear rule our lives, we now simply realize that we can’t control others and while we would be devastated by such a thing, I believe we could actually let go fairly easily if it became necessary to do so.

It is interesting to note that as I now avow myself an atheist, my family and others seem to automatically know what my beliefs are. Let me just dispel a few myths about me in particular.

Being an atheist does not mean I believe in evolution theories such as Darwinism or the Big Bang. It does not mean I have no concern for others in my life, including my family. It doesn’t mean I’m now a drug addict, alcoholic or some other form of substance abuser. It doesn’t mean I have no more capacity for love. It doesn’t mean I have no values or that I now lead an “immoral” life. It does not mean I am closed-minded.

I have been accused of leaving the church just so I could commit sin, an accusation that came from a family member soon after it was disclosed that the same individual had had an affair despite a marriage of several years. If I simply wanted to commit sin, I would have left the church a LONG time ago. Indeed, I may have not even bothered to leave the church. No, I seriously made a genuine effort to live the teachings of the church and discover its truthfulness. I never did encounter serious resistance to the church before making my exit. Since leaving, I have discovered many serious problems with the church. I don’t really care. They only reinforce that I’ve made the right decision.

I’ve been thought of as a reprobate since leaving the church. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Ironically, I was always thought of as a great man while in the church and I suppose that outwardly, I was. Maybe inwardly too. I lived by the teachings of the church diligently and honestly and did what I was asked to do at every turn. Perfect? Hardly. Reprobate? Hardly. Honest? Not really. I professed a belief and a testimony that I never had. Leaving the church gave me an opportunity to reassess my life and make sure that I was adhering to a set of values that I believed in.

And the strange thing is, my lifestyle isn’t a LOT different than it was before. But leaving the church has been all good. I don’t have any regrets. I am truly a reborn man accomplished by dispensing with that god from whom it was claimed the rebirth would come.

I can certainly hope that I can in some way bring others to a knowledge that what I did was the right thing to do. A reverse mission? Well, I don’t think of it in those extremes. If someone were to ask, I would tell them. But I have no need to save others from the disasters of life that the church foists on people. Mostly, I feel pity for others who are still bound by the restraints of church. Or any other church.

I have not yet sent an exit letter to the church. That will come very shortly. At the moment, the church leaves me alone and I certainly have no interest in the church.

And the freedom I feel? More than I ever thought possible. It is said that a man in prison cannot escape until he knows he is in prison.

I have stepped out of that prison. Have you? Can you?

(Originally composed, April, 2003)